Proximity
by Kansas J. Miller
Summary: Carol's feelings for CJ come to fruition in this series...[Slash Warning]
1. Default Chapter

Proximity: Unrequited  
  
  
  
***  
  
My pager went off just as I downed my fourth shot of rum; shuddering at the taste and laughing with my group, I was almost unaware of the loud beeping coming from the waist of my flares.  
  
"Carol…" One of my friends pointed at my pager and swayed to the R & B beat that was covering the club; she turned away and continued to dance as I realized that it was probably CJ.  
  
The club was packed for a weeknight, and as I maneuvered through the pulsing throng of people towards the bathroom—it was usually quieter in the bathroom—I prayed that I wouldn't need to go back to the White House. In the high fluorescent lighting of the bathroom, I read the numeric message: 252 911. She paged me like that all the time—spelling out her initials and something else, depending on the situation. I sucked in my breath and looked in the mirror, upset that I was dressed this way.  
  
There was no time for me to go and change, so it would be off to the White House and CJ dressed in tight jeans and a black halter. My heels clicked on the hard floor as I rushed out of the bathroom, and I wondered absently if I could smudge off my black eyeliner in the back of a dark cab.  
  
Waving my pager at my little crowd of friend and knowing they'd understand, I headed for the door and the street. The cold air hit my bare arms and back with a shock, and as I stumbled down off the curb, I realized that there was way too much alcohol in my system. I wasn't going to be able to help CJ and she was going to be annoyed.  
  
As I fumbled around in my purse for my small cell phone, sickening distress ran through me. This was downright irresponsible; it was Thursday night.  
  
As I dialed first the White House and then CJ's extension, I held my arms close to my body. It was freezing in the February night, and I cursed myself for not bringing a jacket. And for letting this get out of hand. Damn, I thought, it hadn't been out of hand until four minutes ago…  
  
CJ had let me go around seven. It was early and when I'd arrived at my apartment fifteen minutes later, my friends were leaving for Clarita's. So I'd changed quickly and the six of us had piled into Leah's ten year old Celica. I promised myself not get too drunk, but as we battled the DC traffic Chelsea pulled me onto her lap and Keri pinned my hair up… I should have known better. Damn it, she was going to be upset…  
  
"CJ?" I cried upon her answer, trying to control the pitch of my voice. The sound of her 'hello' sent a warm chill through my body, inducing reality.  
  
"You got my page?" she asked, sounding less frantic than I would have expected for a ten pm emergency.  
  
"CJ, I can get a cab up there but…" I trailed, my head slightly swimming as the breeze picked up.  
  
"What's wrong, Carol?" CJ asked calmly. She was always calm, I rationalized, thinking that maybe she wouldn't be mad…Maybe she cared about what was wrong…  
  
I snapped out of my fantasy, knowing it was hopeless. "I'm kinda drunk and I'm not dressed for work, and I don't know if…" I began, my voice choking. I wasn't afraid of her punishment, I was afraid of what she might think of me. I valued her opinion as much as I valued her.  
  
"Where are you?" CJ asked. I couldn't tell if there was irritation in her voice, but I swallowed hard just the same.  
  
"Clarita's…" I stammered out, biting my lip and knowing she was definitely going to want an answer for that one.  
  
"Carol you can't get a cab to the White House from there," CJ stated, pausing for my response. I didn't quite understand that, but my teeth chattered and I pulled the phone closer to my ear. When I said nothing, I could hear CJ sigh over the line. "Stay there. I'll come get you."  
  
With that, the line clicked dead and I stared long and hard at the phone, looking for the 'off' button. Hugging my body, I walked backward towards the building and tried to forget that the boss I dreamt about was coming to pick me up. The word 'awkward' flashed through my brain as it swam with so many other things.  
  
***  
  
I had to believe that CJ always knew. I'd never come out and told her that I was a lesbian, but having worked with her for four years at such a close level, I have a hard time thinking that she can't tell.  
  
I try not to talk about my love life, and I thought I'd mastered the pronoun game. Still, there were been two times I've slipped talking to CJ and while I'm not sure she picked it up, I'm not entirely sure she didn't. CJ has a strange capacity for the minutiae.  
  
Well, if she were wondering, there was really no question now. Assuming that she knew that Clarita's is an all women club, the proverbial cat was out of the bag. I bit my lip and shivered, wondering why it still unnerved me to come out to new people. I don't tell everyone I meet the first time I meet them that I'm a lesbian, but nor do I deny my sexuality. The way I look at it—I'm Carol first, a lesbian second. I certainly never had any reason to tell CJ, because doing that would change the way I was able to work around her. I can keep it professional as long as I can pretend I don't feel this way.  
  
She's my one hang up. I can take or leave any other woman that comes my way, but CJ is something else. She's beautiful, stunning, sexy, and it takes my breath away to stand next to her podium and hear her smack down the reporters. I used to try and ignore the fact that I wanted her, and I still work very hard not to flirt with CJ, but there's no denying how much I hope. There's no point and I know it, and sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life watching her through the blinds. It's high school all over again.  
  
I shook my head, biting my lip again and hard. I'm such an immature little thing, trying to act like I belong in a club like Clarita's. I'll smoke my cigarettes, drink the whiskey and rum and kiss women wearing too much makeup; but inside I'm lost as hell because the only one I really want to be with is CJ. I'm 26, but I look 30 and I act like 17. All ages that are old enough to love her from afar…I can't get away from it, and I can't get away from the fact that she's going to be here in a matter of seconds…. Looking at me with amusement and maybe a bit of shock, things that I should be able to handle but won't.  
  
***  
  
She made the joke after the State of the Union. "Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right now…"  
  
I knew she'd been talking to Sam, but when he'd agreed, she'd picked up her head and claimed she'd been talking to me. I think about that a lot, wondering if it meant anything. It didn't, I say again as I look up and down the trafficked street, watching for CJ's silver Lexus. Soon, I look away and hope she'll never come.  
  
I didn't even see the car pull up. I was busy staring at the dirty concrete, watching as my vision got lost in tears. Why did I have to feel this way about her? Why did I tell her I was here? Why did I let this happen?  
  
As a black drop of water hit the illuminated sidewalk, I felt a hand on my arm. Jerking my head up, I was staring right into the wide-eyed face of CJ Cregg.  
  
"C'mon…" she said softly, her mouth frowning with concern. I forced my stomach to settle and my legs to move as she turned back towards the expensive silver coupe. I slid guiltily into the passenger seat, fingering the black leather carefully and randomly thinking that she must've had a great job before the White House.  
  
When she started the engine the CD player turned on and the soft, slow rap of a familiar artist broke the silence. I liked the music and my inner torture was momentarily forgotten as I fought a laugh.  
  
"Okay, for the course of this drive, please try to ignore the fact that I'm secretly a mainstream teenager," CJ said sarcastically, smiling in spite of herself. I let the short laugh out, hoping that her joking meant this situation was okay.  
  
"I have this CD," I remembered aloud. I saw CJ grin as she looked over her shoulder. The traffic was impossibly heavy and we were unable to pull out.  
  
"Yeah, Carol, this actually IS your CD…" she said, her voice smooth as she tried to see past the van parked behind her.  
  
"You took my Jay-Z CD?" I cried, mock incredulous. She gave up trying to wedge the Lexus into traffic and quickly pulled the parking brake.  
  
Turning towards me, CJ ignored my attempts at levity. "Carol, your make up is running. What's up?"  
  
I'm in love with you and you just found out that I might. I didn't say the words; I didn't say anything. I tried not to look at CJ's eyes and instead lingered on her deep blue camisole, peeking out of her white blouse. No…I moved my eyes upwards, trying to ignore her question. But the car smelled like her perfume; it smelled like her office too only better and closer, and there was really nothing but CJ right now.  
  
Her sigh was deep and sharp as she fought to read my mind. "Carol, I didn't mind having to come get you."  
  
"I'm drunk and you paged me 911…" I said slowly, my stare latched to the tan skin of her collarbone now.  
  
CJ snorted. "It was a joke, hon. I couldn't find the keys to your filing cabinet."  
  
I met her gaze then. I wished that she wouldn't call me 'hon'; I could take it as so much more than an evil tease. The sick feeling perused through my stomach again, and I felt her eyes remain on me as I instantly found the hem of my halter fascinating.  
  
Her voice was eerily soft as she hit pause on the CD system. "I can see straight into this, Carol. We don't have to talk about it if you can't, but…"  
  
"But what?" I managed to croak out. Breathing in and out was taking considerable effort.  
  
CJ didn't say anything then, and the stress that permeated the air was almost enough to blow away the beautiful perfume. I looked up and she was looking at the traffic.  
  
"But what?" I said again, my voice finally regaining its strength.  
  
"You could have told me, Carol. It would have been okay…" CJ mused, her eyes still watching the flow of headlights whizzing past us. Finally as an opening in the traffic appeared, CJ geared into drive and pulled out at a pace my car could never dream about.  
  
***  
  
She took me home in silence, though I struggled to come up with words. It would have been okay to tell her? What good could have come from that? Now that CJ knew, I was dizzied simply by her proximity. Inches away. She was too beautiful, and yet she was such a mysterious woman. CJ holds secrets—I know it. I've spent enough long hours just watching her to see that there is something intricately confusing about her. She doesn't know what she does to my heartbeat.  
  
The temptation to invite her up to my apartment was strong, but the urge to go and cry was stronger still. I got out of the insanely expensive car, and before I could slam the door, CJ called my name.  
  
"Your purse…" she held it out, a flicker of a smile crossing her lips. I giggled nervously, the loose ends of my dark hair falling into my face as I leaned back into the car to get it.  
  
"Thanks…" I murmured, realizing how strange this would be tomorrow morning.  
  
"You need anything, give me a call…" CJ offered, gesturing with her hands.  
  
I forced a nice smile and closed the door, and as I walked slowly towards my building, I knew that I would only call CJ in dreams. It was unrequited and endless. 


	2. Watching

Proximity: Watching  
  
CJ/Carol  
  
***  
  
6:33 am  
  
I got to work early on Friday, hoping to silently prove to CJ that I was capable of my job. Ah hell Carol, I thought as I arranged my desk, she knows you're capable. Then again there was last night…I shook my head, my hair bouncing as I forced myself to not think about it.  
  
When I'd gotten in last night, I really had been planning to cry. It was upsetting to me in an odd way that she'd learned my secret, upsetting since nothing seemed to upset CJ. No tears came and instead I'd flipped on CNN—one of the many habits I've taken up since working for CJ—and curled up on my couch in the dark.  
  
I have a photograph above the TV, and I don't feel guilty about having it because there are other people in it besides CJ. It's a gorgeous black and white, with Sam and Josh standing in the background as CJ and I laugh hysterically. It was taken on our first day at the White House and I can't recall what was so funny. CJ looks so happy and it is my favorite picture  
  
The silver frame caught my eye this morning when I woke up, still in the jeans and halter, and I felt my stomach sink. Work…CJ…knowing that she knew. And maybe it would be no different than it had been on Thursday, but there was no comfort in confusion.  
  
Around 6:55, as I stirred circles in my warming yogurt, I heard her footsteps click down the hall. I sucked in my breath and forced myself to throw away the nerves; there was no way I was going to be able to work if I couldn't focus.  
  
"Hey, Carol," CJ called casually as she brushed past my desk and into her office. I tentatively got up and grabbed the customary stack of newspaper that she read each morning. Walking into her office, I tried to maintain my balance.  
  
"Papers," I announced, holding them out to her. She was hanging her overcoat, and when she spun around I saw that she was wearing my favorite suit. The black skirt and the red blouse that did so much for her face…  
  
She took the papers and then waited. "Carol?"  
  
A bell went off in my head. "I know, I know! I'm getting the coffee…." I quickly moved around, mentally smacking myself for forgetting it until now.  
  
"Oh yeah, that too…and can you save me a second later on today?" She asked, settling herself down behind her desk. "Wow, you sorted my phone messages already?" CJ looked up at me with surprise, her eyes glowing as her mouth turned up into a grin.  
  
I smiled sheepishly. "I had some extra time this morning…Save you a second for what?" I was pleased that she'd noticed my work. Maybe I could pull this together.  
  
"To talk…Maybe at lunch," CJ thought aloud as she looked under some stacks of paper. "Where's that memo from Leo?"  
  
My heart flipped again with excited dread. Lunch. I figured she was talking about a meeting. But not with me… I quickly reached under the briefing book and pulled out the memo. "Here. Sure. Whatever you need," I mumbled, feeling the heat in my cheeks. I had to get out of the office and breath.  
  
***  
  
CJ was in staff when Leah called my extension. I hated when my friends called me at work, but it was understandable today. I had run out too quickly last night and never checked back in.  
  
"Hey Carol…" her teasing tone flooded my ear, and I rolled my eyes with a laugh. Leah was a great friend, and I just knew what she was about to do. "I assume that since your pager went off last night…"  
  
"Don't!" I warned, both amused and sickened.  
  
"Had a little time alone with the mysterious Claudia Jean?" Leah asked. I could almost hear her amused smile but when I didn't respond, she dropped it. "Hey, Carol, don't get mad."  
  
I rubbed my temple. "I'm not mad. It's just that she…I was…She had to come and get me last night," I muttered.  
  
"At Clarita's?" Leah laughed, "How was the conversation after that?" she laughed, her tone indicating that she had some idea.  
  
I smirked. "It was mostly me trying not to say something stupid."  
  
"Hey I've seen CJ Cregg, too. I don't blame you much," Leah admitted. I nodded and breathed in, not noticing that my boss was making her way back to the office.  
  
"It's just weird," I sighed finally, suddenly wondering if maybe I was just making it weird. There was really no way that CJ could know I wanted her…  
  
"What's weird?" CJ asked, leaning against the doorframe, grinning like a cat. My heart practically stopped as Leah began to laugh over the line.  
  
"Great, Carol," Leah gasped. "I guess I'll let you go…" And with a click of the phone, I was left biting my lip and my tongue.  
  
"Yeah…" I said slowly, turning my head back to CJ as I hung up the phone. Her eyebrow was raised, and her mouth a bit open, as if she were going to say something.  
  
"CJ, I need to give you a quick brief…" Josh barreled down the hallway, waving a sheet of paper. I was never so happy for his presence as I caught my breath and slowed my heart rate.  
  
***  
  
I brought salads up the office and sat in front of her desk like it was a meeting. Technically it was, and as CJ enthusiastically poured the oversized container of ranch dressing all over the lettuce, I watched her nails.  
  
She kept them short and polished a light shade of pink all the time. For Christmas I'd considered giving her a gift certificate for an acrylic set, because she seemed like the type of woman who would wear them well. But I'd been too shy to offer such a personal gift and instead had gone with a crystal bowl. It was on her desk now, filled with small wrapped Dove chocolates. So classy, I absently thought.  
  
"So are you eating too, or are you watching me eat?" CJ asked with amusement, pointing her dressing covered fork at my unopened salad.  
  
"Yeah…Yeah, I'm working on it. What did you need to see me about, CJ?" I asked, popping open the box and balancing it on my knee.  
  
"I don't know," CJ admitted airily, "We should hang out. For two reasons."  
  
"What are they?" I asked, looking at her face and ignoring my salad. She met my gaze, and for a minute she lost her train of thought.  
  
"What are what?"  
  
"The two reasons?" I asked, nibbling on a crouton and trying to appear as casual as CJ did.  
  
CJ leaned back in her chair and cracked open her can of root beer. "Oh, right. I was just thinking last night that we work together and I know virtually nothing about you. We should at least eat lunch together, right?"  
  
I smirked then, thinking that she knew too much, but said nothing and waited for reason number two. CJ leaned forward again, smiling somewhat benevolently.  
  
"And Carol, I've been watching you all day. I'd love to know why you're so embarrassed about last night."  
  
I closed the salad and set it on her desk, turning my head towards the wall of televisions. They were all muted, but in my head I imagined the noisy news…anything to block out CJ's bluntness.  
  
"Carol?" CJ asked again, her voice soft and almost concerned. It finally snapped, and I flicked my head back towards my boss with the dam about to break.  
  
"CJ, I really appreciated that you came down and got me last night, but it wasn't the best way for you to find out about my…sexuality," I blurted. I could feel my eyes widening, as CJ's expression remained steady.  
  
"I don't care about your sexuality, Carol," CJ stated, her tone blasé as though we were talking about a baseball game. "Don't be ashamed of it. Be proud of it."  
  
I was caught off guard, as I was certainly not ashamed of it. I wouldn't have it any other way, and maybe I was a bit cautious…There was no way to tell CJ I was simply afraid that she'd learn the real truth.  
  
"CJ, I can't really—" I began to explain, hoping to get in at least a good word for my pride. The phone rang instead, and before I could reach to answer it, CJ had it pressed to her ear.  
  
"CJ Cregg…"  
  
It was Leo and CJ was out of the office in a flash, leaving me at the desk with an untouched salad. My head was spinning, and suddenly the overbearing presence of her perfume was permeating my senses again. She'd said too much for me to wrap my mind around… 'I've been watching you all day'—no, I chided myself, stop it. Reading into CJ's comments is one of my pastimes, and while it's fun it can also hurt.  
  
I cleaned up her salad, knowing she wouldn't want the rest of it. 'We should at least eat lunch together…' I smiled as I dumped the boxes into the trashcan, thinking that eating lunch with her might be just enough. * 


	3. Daylight and Shadows

Proximity: Daylight and Shadows  
  
  
  
***  
  
CJ called me on Saturday morning, and I awoke abruptly to find myself tangled in the blue sheets of my double bed. It was 10:43—late enough that I had no reason to be annoyed. As I sat up and pulled the comforter up, I realized that she could call me at 3 am and it would be just fine with me.  
  
"What do you need?" I asked. It sounded like CJ was in the bullpen, and it was a bit noisy for Saturday morning. I flicked my television on, preparing to learn of some national disaster that required White House attention. Just the weather report…  
  
"I woke you. I'm sorry," CJ apologized and paused briefly. "Listen, you don't need to come in for long, but I was wondering if you could do this thing for me."  
  
I ran my fingers through my long hair and cocked my head. "Sure, what is it?"  
  
"The President is dragging me to the Kennedy Center this evening. I'm not going to get a chance to go home and I was hoping you could get some stuff?"  
  
I smiled, knowing that CJ saw it as a big chore. I, on the other hand, absolutely reveled in the times she sent me to her place. "Sure, that's no problem. What do you need and what time?"  
  
I heard CJ tapping the desk with a pen. "Something black. Shoes and a purse…by five, if that's all right."  
  
"No problem…" I grinned, suddenly glad my sleep had been interrupted.  
  
"The key is…"  
  
"Under the mat, I've got it," I finished CJ's sentence only to hear her amused laughter.  
  
"Good. And if you want to take back your CDs, they're on the kitchen counter. I've gotta go, Carol."  
  
***  
  
CJ lives pretty close to the White House and I don't, so it took me a good twenty minutes of maneuvering the four o'clock DC traffic before I arrived at her huge brownstone building. I parked my '93 Nissan Sentra right behind the nearly new Lexus—CJ must have walked to work today. I snickered at the contrast between cars. My father bought the Sentra for me my senior year in high school and I love it still, even with its manual locks and age-old tape player.  
  
Her apartment was on the top floor, the corner pad. As I unlocked the door I didn't really find it surprising that CJ had the best apartment in the building. The heavy mahogany door opened easily, and I flicked the light on quickly.  
  
It was such a beautiful apartment, windowed, plush and much too large for a single woman. It was actually immaculate, I saw as I wandered into the kitchen. The marble countertop was clear but for the small stack of CDs, and there was hardly a newspaper or magazine to be found. I fought the urge to see what CJ kept in her fridge—that might be too much of an intrusion—and I instead noticed the round brass magnets that held up her calendar. It was free of writing save for a tiny note for next Saturday that read "Salon @ 4".  
  
The living room was black and white and it was as spotless as the kitchen. The end tables were laden with things that proved her taste for class. Little crystal figurines surrounded framed postcards from all around the world, and the way she'd arranged her collection of candles was purely artistic. None of them were burned down, I saw, though a silver lighter engraved with her name rested nearby.  
  
In the hallway on the way to her bedroom, I stopped and looked at the wall. It was here that she hung her photos of the Administration. Dozens of shots with the President, many fun candid takes from the campaign, a professional photo from the Inaugural gala…. Frames of different sizes and shapes took up the entire surface of the wall. About to turn into her bedroom, my eye was suddenly caught by a familiar looking black and white. It was the picture I had on top of my TV —our picture—and she too had it framed!  
  
With an idiotic feeling of happiness, I opened CJ's bedroom door and stopped short with surprise. She'd completely redecorated since the last time I'd been in here to find a dress. The walls were deep red, as was the silky bedspread that covered the lacquered black queen sized. The matching dresser and nightstands made the room incredibly beautiful; even the black rug looked new. Red and black were perfect colors for CJ, and based on the way this room looked, I'd have a lot to add to my list of fantasies.  
  
I went over to the closet, remembering my mission. Black, something black…The closet was a huge walk in, with one entire half reserved for gowns. CJ's collection alone would suffice for a couple dozen prom-goers. They were arranged by color and I easily picked out a simple black satin Donna Karan, long and strapless. I'd never seen CJ in this dress, but it was doing crazy things to my imagination.  
  
Shoes and a purse were simple to pick out, and I closed her bedroom door with reverence as I took the garment bag down the hallway. I left the CDs on her counter and contemplated leaving a note as well. Reminding myself that I could never do something like that, I simply entered into the hallway and locked up her apartment.  
  
***  
  
"Ah, you're so good to me," CJ proclaimed with a wide smile, reaching her arms out for the garment bag as I brought them down the hallway.  
  
I smiled back and handed them off, noting with admiration the fact that CJ was wearing jeans and T-shirt. I think I've seen her in jeans and a T-shirt exactly three times in the White House, and it was a refreshing change from the suits and dresses of the week.  
  
"I hope you don't need anything else…" I said, watching as CJ unzipped the garment bag. She smiled brightly and turned to me.  
  
"Excellent choice. Thanks a lot."  
  
"I'm glad…Listen, I'm going to stick around for a bit and get a head start on some things for Monday," I informed CJ, knowing that if I went home I would only wish that I'd stayed.  
  
CJ looked at her watch. "Okay, I'm leaving in about an hour. I'll probably get dressed soon."  
  
I nodded, leaving her alone in the office. Out in my area, there was nothing I could do but arrange and rearrange my notes, briefs and memos; still, I didn't want to leave. I wanted to see her in the dress.  
  
I was just about dial into the Internet when CJ walked out of the office, surrounded in black satin. She leaned up against the doorframe and folded one of her toned, tanned bare arms over the front of the smooth material.  
  
"I need your help," she announced with a shy smile, holding out two lipsticks. "Which do you think?"  
  
I was rendered a bit speechless upon sight of her; it was a gorgeously simple dress, tight to her torso and flowing past the waist. If I could look so good in anything that cost that much, I'd quit my job with CJ and fly to the moon. But it was no effort for this woman.  
  
"The dark red," I chose immediately upon regaining my power of focus, for just like her bedroom, the black and red together were perfect. I watched as she slowly applied the lipstick with a hand-mirror, and I wondered reticently if she were teasing me. She looked up and raised her eyebrows, seeking my approval. "It's good," I stammered, letting my breath out slowly.  
  
"Good. I'm just waiting for Toby and Josh…" she said, tucking the lipstick into the small purse. I couldn't take my eyes away from her, and I knew that the minute she looked up, it would be clear. "So how was your day—what?" CJ asked, looking quickly down at herself and back at me.  
  
I let out a soft chuckle, embarrassed but caught red-handed. "I'm sorry, you just look amazing in that dress."  
  
"Oh!" CJ exclaimed, her expression bright but humble, "I thought I was having a fashion crisis…Thank you, though," she added slowly, her smile softening.  
  
"Yeah," I said quietly, suddenly eager for her to leave. Had I really just told her she looked amazing? The perfume, the lipstick, the billowing black satin and the way her hair laid around her face were all too much for me to stand; the newly formed look in CJ's eye told me that she knew it, too. As she swept down the hall, I saw her glance back at me quickly before Josh took her arm.  
  
***  
  
I am a little like daylight and shadows. My entire life has been that way, from the moment I knew that I didn't want to date Billy Green down the street. I knew it, I always had, and even though I could have made things easy I've chosen the hard way instead. I let the selected few see who I really am, and hide behind a thin veil from the rest of the world. I took my job at the White House knowing that it would have to remain that way, just so it could.  
  
I remember the first time I met CJ. She walked into the campaign headquarters with Toby Ziegler, her hair curly and wild as she approached me with a smile and a handshake. I thought she was insanely beautiful, and by some stroke of luck I'd been assigned the job as her assistant.  
  
Pleasing her pleased me, and ever since then I've worked as hard as possible for CJ. I do it because I want to be someone important to her, and I know that she values me as an assistant. I used to wonder if she too could possibly have feelings for me, but it truly is hard to read CJ Cregg. I can only pray that we win re-election, if just for four more years of studying her emotions.  
  
As I sat behind my desk, wondering if she'd come back to the White House after the concert, I also considered the fact that I was foolish. Foolish for wanting her, foolish for wasting my time watching her, and foolish for ever acknowledging that I was different. Yet it comes back to me time and time again—if I were not here, I would be no where at all. * 


	4. In Dreams

Proximity: In Dreams  
  
.  
  
Before we get to this, the fourth part of the 'thing' I've got going here, I just have to thank everyone who has come back with such positive feedback! That felt great, and I can't wait to keep writing. Please let me know what is thought of this part…–Kansas  
  
***  
  
Her eyes were closed and her mouth tasted like sweet chocolate as she allowed me to explore it with my own. Her lips were slick and soft, and I could hardly control the pace of my kisses as they involuntarily deepened.  
  
I slid my fingers through CJ's hair, pulling her closer to me, and dipped my head lower, suddenly unable to resist her neck. She smelled amazing and her body was so responsive as I slowly managed to undo her control with my lips.  
  
CJ was moaning softly and I could feel her mouth brush against my ear as my tongue sought her breast. The shivers she sent down my spine were electric, and then with a sudden dissipation, she was gone from my arms.  
  
"Carol. Wake up…" I heard her voice calling from a distance, and as the fog cleared it grew louder. "Come on, Carol..." CJ was shaking my shoulders gently, and I felt her weight next to me on the couch.  
  
Oh God, I panicked as I opened my eyes. My heart was beating rapidly and I realized that I'd fallen asleep on the couch in her office; there was light sheen of sweat behind my neck and on my forehead, the kind that dreaming about CJ usually brought on.  
  
"You're hot…do you feel okay?" CJ asked, bringing the back of her hand to my forehead. She brushed the hair out of my eyes, and with the distinct warmth in my stomach, I had a terrible, strong urge to pull her towards my body.  
  
Instead, I sat up and shook my head slowly. I couldn't just explain that I'd been having The Dream about her, and so I mumbled into my hands. "I'm fine…"  
  
"Let me get you some water," CJ said, getting up from the couch. While she was gone, I managed to collect myself enough to see that the gray March sky was now very dark. It must have been near eleven, since I'd come in here to sit down after CJ's final press conference. That had been around ten, and it was surprising that CJ had let me sleep so long.  
  
"Here…" CJ held out an icy bottle of Aquafina and resumed her position on the couch. "Do you want me to get the thermometer or something? I mean, you're really the one who would know, but…"  
  
I shook my head quickly as I sipped at the water. "No, no, I'm really okay…" I said in the strongest voice I could muster. Wow, it had seemed so real…felt so good…God, if dreaming about her was so hot reality must be…I bit my tongue, hoping to draw blood. This was the most unprofessional thing I'd ever done.  
  
"As long as you're sure," CJ said, resting her elbows on her knees as she leaned forward. She looked up into the dark, silent office for a minute and then stood up. "I'm outta here. You are too."  
  
I nodded, taciturn, and followed her out of the office. By the time I had collected all of my things from the desk, CJ was locking up her office door. I stopped and turned away from the hall, pretending to be engrossed in turning off my computer. She called goodnight as she rushed away, her perfume lingering briefly. Unable to respond I waited until I heard the final click of her heels exit into the lobby before I turned out the light on my desk.  
  
***  
  
CJ had made eating lunch with me routine and today as I arrived in the bullpen with sandwiches from the mess she was leaning against the doorframe. CJ held the receiver out to me and took the boxes, smiling as I eyed the phone with suspicion.  
  
"You've got a long distance call from Nashua," CJ grinned as I rolled my eyes, both knowing it was only one person.  
  
"Hi Mom," I sighed into the phone, watching CJ as she entered the office. I traced the lines of her back with my eyes, waiting for my mother to begin the customary round robin.  
  
"Carol. I haven't heard from you in such a long time…I figured I'd call you where I knew you'd be," she explained, the sharp sigh evident in her voice.  
  
"Are you at the hospital?" I asked, looking at my watch. We had taken a late lunch today, so my mother was probably back on duty. Typically, she wanted to limit our conversation.  
  
"Yes, I can't talk long. Everyone here misses you…How are you, Carol?"  
  
"I'm great, Mom…" I forced out a cheerful tone as I kept my eyes on the coffee table where CJ had set our sandwiches.  
  
"How's the job?" She asked, making no attempt to hide the contemptuous attitude.  
  
"Work is busy…but great…"  
  
"Your boss seems nice," she allowed, knowing it was ridiculous not to be proud of this daughter, with this job.  
  
"You've talked to CJ, before Mom…" I reminded her, just as CJ was exiting the office. She smiled at the mention of her name and mouthed the word 'soda' as she went down the hall.  
  
"Well, Carol, are you seeing anyone?"  
  
It was the question she always tended to sneak into our strained, formal diatribes; she would never stop asking it until I was married with four children. I sighed, knowing I how badly I would be leaving her disappointed.  
  
"Sorry, Mom…Not right now," I chirped before the instant satisfaction in having displeased her could build to a guilty point.  
  
"Well, anyone around with potential?" My mother hoped, searching for what she craved in me.  
  
CJ returned then, holding up with triumph two cans of grape soda. I stifled a laugh and gave her the thumbs up before responding, "Yeah, Mom. There's someone I really want."  
  
"Good!" she exclaimed. "You work on it, baby. I've got to get back, but call me soon."  
  
If only my mother knew what she were endorsing. How ironic, I thought with contempt. "I love you…" I put cautiously forth, waiting to hear it reciprocated, but rewarded only with a click of the line.  
  
Smirking with the typicality of my mother, I hung up and spun around to join CJ. She looked up, raising her eyebrows.  
  
"Your mom sounds cool," she attempted, ringing only with sarcasm and an entertained smile. "And just to warn you, this soda is disgustingly sweet."  
  
I plopped down on the couch and grabbed my own bright purple can and snorted loudly. "Yeah, she's about as cool as they come. God, the only thing she wants is for me to come back to Nashua and work in that damn hospital."  
  
CJ leaned back and looked at me. "Well, I'm sure that she never expected you to be working in the White House."  
  
I frowned, cracking open my can. "Hmm, RN or Senior Assistant to the White House Press Secretary…Which title would you rather have?" I asked, my tone indicating I had no doubts.  
  
CJ shifted her body so that she was facing me. "Well Carol, technically you have both," she reminded me, her voice genuine. "Why did you go to school for nursing if you didn't really want it?"  
  
I too turned my body, reveling in the fact that we were having a conversation unrelated to work. "Because my mother is a nurse and her mother was, too. I had no ideas of my own."  
  
CJ smiled at me before taking a swig from her can. "I think you did, or you wouldn't have joined the campaign."  
  
CJ was right; I nodded slowly, considering that choice. "She hated that I wanted to work for the Governor…The President, I mean. I remember the day I left for Manchester—she swore she'd never vote for Bartlet. I guess I like pissing off my mother…"  
  
CJ looked at me quietly, and as I shifted my eyes downward, I wondered if I was telling her things she didn't care about hearing. When she spoke again, it was soft.  
  
"She doesn't know that you're gay though, does she?"  
  
My heart stopped, surprised that CJ had brought up the yet-untouched subject. "No, actually, she doesn't."  
  
"Well, you don't really like to piss her off then, or you'd tell her just for spite…" CJ mused, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear and flashing her bright eyes at me; she'd made a valid point.  
  
I chuckled, shaking my head. "Yes, but she wouldn't understand the real me. I don't want the thing most important to me to be cut down by my mother."  
  
"My mother never understood the real me, either…" CJ said, staring past me for a moment. "So!" she perked up, "Who's this someone that you really want?"  
  
I was instantaneously confused as to what CJ was referring too, but as I remembered what I'd said into the phone, my heart pulsed. I felt myself blush furiously, as I was already too slow to come back with a plausible response.  
  
"Oh, no one," I laughed nervously, playing with the plastic sandwich box that I had yet to touch. "I was just saying that."  
  
CJ pulled a potato chip from her own lunch and eyed me with mock- suspicion. "Ah, Carol you can't lie," she informed me, her mouth turning up into a half-smile. "So you're not gonna tell me?" I blew the air out of my lungs as though I were smoking a cigarette and wondered what would happen if I let CJ in on reality.  
  
"No, not at the current moment," I responded, grinning enough to let her know that I found this funny. Only it wasn't and I didn't, and when I focussed on my lunch, I was really only focussing on CJ. On the dream that I'd had…. there on the couch, not three days before.  
  
***  
  
Later that night, as I sat flipping through the channels on my television, I started to believe that CJ understood my feelings for her. Thinking back on the debacle with the black dress and lipstick—it had been painfully clear that I was checking her out—and they way CJ's voice had sounded when she told me I couldn't lie…  
  
It was all slightly less nightmarish now that we'd inched a bit closer to friendship, and I considered what CJ would say if I invited her to Clarita's or even out to dinner. There was really only one way to find out, and as my confidence built to a comfortable plateau, I reached for the telephone. It might not only be in dreams… * 


	5. Fill Me In

Proximity: Fill Me In  
  
***  
  
As the phone rang in my ear, vibrating like an alarm, I began to panic. This was not good. All of my confidence had instantly slipped away when I realized just how ridiculous calling her was. A second ring reverberated loudly, reminding me that if I didn't hang up within seconds, CJ was going to pick up.  
  
Slamming the phone down, I looked around the apartment with embarrassment, as if someone might have witnessed my moment of incredible stupidity.  
  
I got up in search of the bottle of scotch that I'd had lying around since Christmas. If I was at the point where I was calling CJ—out of some underlying hope that maybe she could think like me—I definitely needed a drink.  
  
This had to stop, I thought as I settled back on the couch with a healthy amount of liquor in my cup. I was so in love with her that I was becoming delusional. Asking her out was not going to make her into a lesbian—and I had no reason to believe she wasn't straight.  
  
Well, I thought optimistically as I swallowed a mouthful of the bitter scotch, at least she hadn't answered her phone.  
  
***  
  
Eight Days Later  
  
***  
  
"Morning," CJ grumbled, literally chucking her briefcase onto the couch in her office; I was up and out of my chair with her coffee before she had her coat off. CJ took the coffee and looked at her watch. "How much time do I have until staff?"  
  
"Leo needed you twenty minutes ago, " I informed my boss, grinning because CJ was extremely late. She looked tired, her hair was a bit mussed, and the expression on her face was unpleasant. At least it was Friday…  
  
"Fuck Leo," she growled, grabbing her notebook out of the briefcase. "We'll look at the wires later." With that she was out and down the hallway, leaving me alone in the office.  
  
I could sense that it was going to be a long day and I wondered what had put CJ in such a lousy mood—and before 8 o'clock. That was unusual for her, but I knew I'd have to tiptoe around her all day. I sat down at my desk and sighed as I began to collect the wire reports.  
  
***  
  
CJ's mood worsened when she opened up the New York Times Op-Ed page. There, accompanied by a small photo of her behind the podium, was an editorial about the sarcastic wit that CJ had employed all week in spinning the President's hot-camera gaffe. I hadn't seen the article until CJ sharply called my name.  
  
"When the fuck was Gary Gibbons given a press pass?" She eyed me suspiciously, looking down at the page quickly. I was taken aback and immediately went on the defense as I stood before her desk.  
  
"It was a temporary one. It was only for this week," I insisted, recalling the conservative columnist. He usually stayed far away from this White House but had jumped at the President's Monday mistake, obtaining a pass for the inside scoop. "What's wrong?"  
  
CJ sighed heavily, her mouth set in a line. "Isn't it kinda my job to issue these passes?"  
  
I rolled my eyes and put my hands on my hips, her comment ridiculous. "CJ, we get hundreds of requests each week, so unless YOU want to deal with all of them personally… "  
  
CJ glared at me silently for a second, then snickered. "Sit down and read what this little shit wrote about me."  
  
The sarcastic smile covering her face told me she wasn't angry, and so I took the folded piece of newsprint. Perusing the column slowly, a mixture of annoyance and amusement rushed through me. She didn't deserve criticism, and this was nervy.  
  
I looked up at CJ. She was watching me read, and it made my heart skip a beat. I cleared my throat and began to read. "Ha, this is nice. 'If Ms. Cregg is interested in stand-up, she should quit her job with the White House and apply for a position on Comedy Central.'"  
  
CJ shook her head, a half-grin still at her lips. "I don't know, do you think I'm inappropriate in the room?"  
  
I cocked my head thoughtfully, as it was rare that CJ asked my personal opinion. I considered my response, wanting to tell her so much more than that.  
  
"You're informal, not inappropriate. I think your humor makes the reporters like you more. And personally, I love it," I admitted, recalling the many times she's made me laugh in the pressroom.  
  
"You love it?" CJ asked curiously, taking back the paper. "And the next time Gary Gibbons wants a press pass, he has to get past me first."  
  
"Ok. And yes, you're hilarious," I assured her, smiling in spite of my blush. "I almost dropped my notebook on Wednesday when you told Chris that the President had been unable to feed or bathe himself."  
  
CJ smiled downwardly, tucking the editorial under a large pile of papers. "Thanks, Carol. That fixed my mood."  
  
Satisfaction flooded my senses as I returned to my desk; I settled down at the computer and took a quick peek at CJ through the blinds; she had flipped on the radio and was looking substantially less pissed.  
  
Smiling, I wondered if she'd launch a counterattack on Gary Gibbons. I recalled Sherry Wexler and how CJ had humiliated the ditz on live TV. It had been a great punishment for calling CJ a 'clothes horse' on the air, and we seldom saw Sherry around here anymore. I was laughing now but I knew how much being cut down hurt CJ. She wouldn't admit it—she'd simply fight back with class—but being a woman only made her job harder.  
  
***  
  
Around six o'clock, while CJ was on the phone, I checked my e-mail. There were only two—one from my sister and another from Leah that wondered how Mission Impossible was going. I had to snicker at that, as I wasn't sure if I'd ever even been on the task. As I was ready to compose a defeatist's reply, CJ stuck her head into my area.  
  
"I know it's Friday, so you might be busy…but what are you doing for dinner?"  
  
I leaned back in my chair and turned my head. "I was thinking about the mess. Why?"  
  
"My date cancelled, but I have reservations in an hour. You wanna?"  
  
Her date? CJ had a date? Since when did CJ have dates? And why on earth would they cancel? This was all very interesting to me, but her invitation was even more so.  
  
"I'd love to," I nodded, willing myself not to seem too eager or excited. But dinner, at a restaurant with CJ? My heart couldn't have been beating any faster.  
  
CJ nodded her head professionally, and headed back to her office. "We'll leave at quarter of, 'kay?"  
  
"Okay…" I responded, fighting a huge smile as I turned back to Leah's e-mail. Ha, I chuckled, maybe Mission Impossible was no longer so.  
  
***  
  
She'd taken off her brown suit coat to reveal a sleeveless white turtleneck, and now as CJ leaned back with a glass of wine, I couldn't stop looking at her stocking-covered knee as she crossed her legs.  
  
We were in a classy little Italian place, with white table clothes and small red candles on the table, and as CJ looked over the menu, I wondered what exactly would come of this night.  
  
"What do you want?" she suddenly asked, looking up over the top of her glasses. With the track that my mind was on, I almost blurted out her name in response. I stifled a giggle and instead named my favorite—spaghetti with meatballs.  
  
CJ ordered fettuccine Alfredo, and as we waited for the food, we talked rather comfortably, rather casually. She told me about the President's game with the hot camera and as we moved on to personal matters, the conversation took a turn that set my stomach butterflying back and forth.  
  
"So Carol, fill me in," she said, her voice smooth as her eyes perused my face.  
  
I sipped my wine, letting my eyes linger on CJ's slick lipstick covered lips. "On what?" I asked, leaning forward a bit, anticipating her every word.  
  
She smiled somewhat seductively and tapped her nails against her glass. She took in a breath, ever so slightly before she opened her mouth. CJ finally allowed her wandering eyes to settle on me, and she began. "Hmm…" she crooned, cocking her head as our eyes remained locked.  
  
"What?" I practically whispered, sensing her hesitation.  
  
Straightening up her head, CJ raised her eyebrows and finally allowed her smooth voice to ask, "You're attracted to me, aren't you?"  
  
***  
  
TBC 


	6. Admissions

Proximity: Admissions  
  
  
  
***  
  
"You're attracted to me, aren't you?"  
  
For all the times CJ had made my heart stop, I thought I'd raised immunity to its more dangerous affects. But as her words filtered into my ears and I connected them to their meaning, I had to literally force myself to breathe.  
  
"CJ…I don't know what to tell you…" I began nervously, still not quite in control of my reaction. I trailed badly, utterly unable to stop the dizziness she brought on. I met her eyes; they were piercing now, blue and icy and locked indefinitely with mine.  
  
"Just…" CJ practically purred, "…tell me the truth."  
  
I ripped my eyes away, and began to fiddle with the silverware. This was my chance to give CJ a slightly abridged version of how much I wanted her, thought about her…It was probably also a chance to feel like an idiot. From the look on her face and the calm leverage of her voice, I couldn't tell what kind of response CJ would have to hearing me say it; but clearly she already knew.  
  
"Yeah…I am," I admitted in a shaky voice, sucking air into my lungs at a heavy pace. CJ sat back in her chair, her big grin replaced by a soft smile. I looked up shyly, expecting God only knew what.  
  
"Yeah," she echoed, cocking her head. Her hair smoothly fell in a line against her jaw, and before a strange silence could set in, the waiter arrived with our plates.  
  
The steam rose up from the hot food, momentarily clouding the air at our table and I took the split second to collect my bearings. I silently begged CJ not to be angry with me, hate me, or do anything that might adversely affect our working relationship. Damn she was fine, I realized with a small smile, watching her twirl her pasta around a fork.  
  
"So," I picked up the conversation, willing myself to act normally, "you could tell?" I had to know just how overt I'd been with my feelings, and tucking the hair behind my ears, I ignored my food in exchange for an answer.  
  
CJ looked at me, her face blossoming into a smile. "Sure," she shrugged casually. "I'm really rather flattered."  
  
"Oh?" I asked, chuckling in spite of my aching urge to know if the feeling was mutual.  
  
"Yeah," she explained through a mouthful of salad, "Younger women aren't usually the ones hitting on me."  
  
I opened my mouth and raised my eyebrows in amusement. "CJ, I was so not hitting on you…" I attempted, laughter skittering through me.  
  
CJ put down her fork and stared me head on, her expression dead serious. "Well what are you waiting for?"  
  
With another quick pointed stare, she turned back to her meal, leaving me full of shock, excitement, and enough heat to warm up my plate of cooling spaghetti.  
  
***  
  
It honestly hadn't been awkward after that point; we'd simply gone back to our conversation and avoided the topic of our personal lives. I longed to bring it up and find out if CJ had been with a woman before, but shyness took over my nerve, and we simply stuck to office gossip. She did great impressions of Toby and Josh, laughing hysterically, I'd almost forgotten our earlier exchange.  
  
After declining dessert, CJ snatched up the check before I could protest. Not wanting to argue with her, I went to the ladies room while she paid; fixing my hair and lipstick, I thought of calling Leah on my cell phone, but I didn't want to leave CJ waiting. But what a call that would be later tonight…  
  
CJ had practically asked me to hit on her. I almost laughed aloud with giddiness as I pushed open the restroom door: this was too good to be true. For all I knew she'd been kidding around, but my interpretation had been utterly serious. Butterflies flew circles in my stomach as I walked back to our table and I contemplated what to do.  
  
"Ready?" CJ asked, standing up slowly as I returned. I nodded, practically lost in watching her slip into her blazer. "What's wrong?" CJ asked, smoothing her hair as she noticed my gaze.  
  
My face grew hot but I didn't try to cover up. "Nothing, you're beautiful." As soon as the words were out of my mouth I couldn't believe I'd said them, and yet I had. CJ's eyes crinkled at the corners as her hand went to the small of my back, guiding me towards the exit.  
  
I could feel her touch on my back even through my jacket and I absently wondered if she kept heat in her fingers. God, this wasn't happening, was it? Briefly I wondered if I'd wake up on the office couch in a sweat…On the street CJ took her hand away from me to search for her keys and I shivered at the loss of her nearness.  
  
CJ very chivalrously unlocked and opened her passenger door for me. I moved to slide past her into the car, but stopped as my body brushed against hers. I knew she'd felt the spark, and I stood stunned looking into CJ's face, mere inches away.  
  
The smell of her perfume, her crystal eyes and the incredible lines of her lips drew me closer; CJ too leaned forward ever so slightly and as I heard her caught breath, I realized that we were about to share a kiss.  
  
My heart beat rapidly, as she quickly diverted her mouth towards my ear. "Not here," she whispered, sending an incredible shock down my spine. Breathless, I got into the Lexus as CJ walked around; it was a good thing I was sitting down, for simply the sound of her whispered voice left me weak in the knees.  
  
***  
  
She let me into her apartment and stood against the back of the door, watching me after she'd closed it. I was in an absolute twist, unsure of what CJ wanted me to do but very sure of what I needed. I was going to have to let my emotions take over...  
  
"Carol," she murmured as I stepped closer to her, tentatively taking her slim hand in mine.  
  
"Hmm?" I asked, absently stroking CJ's palms. What little space there was between us I planned to close within seconds.  
  
"This is…" CJ began, her eyelids drooping a bit as I cupped her face with my free hand.  
  
"What?" I sighed, drawing her mouth into mine. Her only response was a soft moan accompanied by a slow, careful contact.  
  
It was absolute overload to my senses as I tried to completely grasp the feeling of CJ's lips on mine; her mouth was gentle, soft and slick and I could taste her wine as she sucked slowly on my lower lip. Her hands were tentatively tracing my hips as I tangled my hands in her hair, reminiscent of my recurring dream.  
  
CJ tightened her grasp on my waist as she slipped her tongue lightly past my lips, and then it was my turn to moan gratefully. The sensation was incredibly electric, and my entire body felt weak at her sudden take-over of the kiss.  
  
Breaking away only for air, CJ's breathing was as erratic as mine was and for the first time in my life, I saw her unnerved. She looked downright vulnerable, a position I was not used to putting CJ in.  
  
"Wow," she sighed, pulling me closer by the belt loops of my slacks, "it's been way too long since I've done that with a woman."  
  
I leaned my head back to look up at her, reveling in the fact that she had indeed had experiences with other women. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that for," I said quietly, ready to bare my soul should she ask.  
  
CJ smiled softly and lowered her lips to my neck. The incredible thrills ran through my body, sending my arousal sky high as she found my ear again. "And you have no idea how long I've been waiting for it."  
  
*** 


	7. New Things

Proximity: New Things  
  
  
  
***  
  
"Carol," CJ murmured into my neck, her fingertips dancing at my hips, "we should probably talk about this…"  
  
I sighed at the light, almost airy feeling of her mouth on my neck and as she continued to feather the sensitive area with kisses, I didn't picture us talking any time soon. I was about to work up my nerve to touch her breasts when CJ suddenly backed away and tugged at my hands.  
  
She pulled me towards the sofa, gently pushing me down onto the soft white cushions. I knew I looked confused and as CJ settled next to me her hands flew to my shoulders.  
  
"We have to talk about this," she said firmly this time, clearly unnerved by what we had done.  
  
"Okay," I agreed in a small voice as CJ's big eyes searched mine. Her hands trailed down my shoulders and stopped carefully on my upper arms; I realized with incredible shock and perhaps a bit of satisfaction that I'd never seen CJ so vulnerable.  
  
She tore her eyes away from mine but a small smile was finding its way onto her face. "Carol, this really is reckless," she attempted  
  
She had folded her legs under her body and as I considered a response, I let my hands rest on CJ's knees. The confidence I was displaying frightened me, and I briefly wondered when CJ was going to see through the act. "CJ you're right. It's damn stupid," I responded, walking my fingers up her leg a bit. "But I've never wanted someone so much in my life."  
  
CJ was clearly taken by surprise by my truth and I could see her emotions agreeing. "Oh, Carol…God," she cocked her head and grinned, "You…that…it was…" she searched for words and shook her head, finally arriving slowly and genuinely. "Carol, that felt... That was… really good."  
  
I couldn't believe that I'd brought CJ's vocabulary down a level, but she did it to me every single day. "What do you want?" I asked, ever hopeful and leaning a bit closer to her body. As CJ raised her chin up in thought, my head swam with her silence. Panic shot quickly into my brain and I considered that she'd tell me that this was a mistake.  
  
CJ looked down at my fingers stroking her thighs and then back into my eyes. "I want to be careful," she said softly, slowly taking her hands off of my arms.  
  
I understood her concerns and that she wasn't telling me no. Immense excitement hit me when I realized that she wanted more; the look on her face was nothing if not honest. I stood up and tried to remain calm, watching CJ carefully as her eyes widened.  
  
"Carol, you don't have to go if—" CJ began, her tone slightly frantic as she moved to stand with me. I motioned with my hands for her to stop and quickly tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, wanting just to touch any part of her.  
  
"No," I assured her with a nodding smile. "It's okay, I think we should go slowly…"  
  
The crinkle of CJ's eyes brought a tingle to my spine; she looked pleased and relieved at my display and as she walked me to the door I reached for her arm. I could tell she was at a loss for what to say as we stood facing each other, and so I simply squeezed her hand.  
  
"Thank you for dinner," I murmured, turning to pick up my purse from the small door-side table, "and I'll see you on Monday…" I didn't really want to leave, but as I slid past the heavy door, I knew that staying would only complicate what had happened.  
  
As I was halfway into the hall, CJ called my name. I turned around to see that her wide-eyed, soft smiling expression had not changed. Her mouth was partly open, as though she couldn't get a word past her lips.  
  
"What?" I asked, grinning at the image of a speechless Press Secretary. CJ shook her head again and let out a chuckle. Folding her arms over her chest, she drew herself up to full height. I could see CJ holding her breath, fiddling with the buttons on her jacket, the wheels in her brain turning. I would have stood there all night, just watching her get nervous because she was incredible, nibbling on her lower lip; she seemed like someone else and I could hardly remember what she looked like against the backdrop of the blue curtain. Apparently there was another CJ behind the professional persona, and I was touched to find out that she was shy.  
  
"Nothing," she smiled, looking down at her feet. "I'll see you on Monday," CJ echoed my words, looking up with a nod.  
  
I responded with a nod of my own, and I heard her slowly click her door shut as I headed down the hall. In such a rush to seem calm and cool, I'd turned the wrong way and as I went back past CJ's apartment door, I wished I had stayed inside. Still, there was much to anticipate…  
  
As I found the correct set of carpeted stairs, I felt my legs weaken at the recent memory of CJ's lips on my neck and mouth. I stopped walking and gave in to the twisted knot of crazy nerves that she'd brought on. Haphazardly lowering myself to the step, I felt happy tears pushing at the corners of my eyes. Smiling into my hands, I tried to rub away the pleasant burning that the culmination of so much had brought out. Giddy flutters rushed through my stomach and short, quiet laughter was all I could manage.  
  
After a deep breath and a moment for sitting still, I stood up and headed out of her building. Walking was a pleasant challenge, and I couldn't leave without taking a split second to look back down her hallway.  
  
***  
  
"Carol, I need the spokesperson for the minority leader on the phone," CJ called, not even bothering to get up from her desk. I looked through the window and nodded carefully, moving quickly to the phone.  
  
It was ten in the morning and the day couldn't have been moving any more slowly. I'd gotten here at 6:45 wearing my favorite blue dress knowing that I looked good. I'd been so wound up on Sunday night that I'd gotten out of bed at 3:30 in the morning, unable to sleep.  
  
Of course I was agonizing, of course I was afraid. I had a sinking feeling that since Friday, CJ might've come to a new conclusion—that our kisses were wrong, that she didn't want it anymore, that she didn't want me. And then I'd be the stupid lesbian sitting at the desk, embarrassed as hell while the gorgeous boss burned her by simply walking by.  
  
Luckily CJ came into work right on time, smiling and pleasantly cheerful. I knew she'd keep it professional and hadn't expected her to mention a thing about Friday, but her first move after ditching her coat and briefcase was to lean against my desk.  
  
"Carol," she smiled, "I meant to call you last night."  
  
Handing her the customary stack of newsprint, I grinned up at her with extreme relief. "I meant to call you too, but I guess…I guess I got shy."  
  
CJ rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "You and me both…We'll get a chance to talk at lunch. When's the staff meeting?"  
  
It had been a bit strange, having the conversation vacillate between our personal situation and the staff meeting, but I knew I had to be CJ's assistant before all else. Now, as I dialed up the minority leader's office, I took a peek through the partially opened blinds. CJ was chewing on the eraser of a pencil while leafing through the briefing book, keeping on eye on the Pentagon briefing that was airing on CNN. She was multitasking. I laughed silently, wondering when I'd find out more about that skill…  
  
"CJ, he's on line 3…" I called, rolling my chair into the hall so I could see her clearly. She looked up and pointed the pencil at me in a teasing manner.  
  
"Good work, Carol," she kidded, letting her eyes linger on me longer than necessary. Her lips slowly turned into a smile as I blushed and rolled back to my desk. Barely containing a breathless chuckle, I put my head down on my desk and allowed the giddy grin to break out over my face.  
  
***  
  
We never got to have lunch as CJ had rushed off towards Leo's office tossing genuine apologies over her shoulder. I knew I couldn't take things like this personally now that we'd made a connection, but it disappointed me that I couldn't get the few minutes alone with CJ. Stirring a small mug of soup at my desk, I made myself focus on what really mattered: keeping the Press Office running. I was not about to get unhappy on everyone just because CJ was important to the smooth running of this White House. Leo needed her much more than I did, I rationalized with a silent chuckle, but if only he really knew….  
  
CJ had been gone from the office at least two hours when she'd come back at five, looking annoyed as hell. Saying nothing, she cracked back the door of the office and literally flopped down on the sofa.  
  
I'd seen CJ in moods like these before, and I usually just sat tight at my desk and waited until CJ called for me. Today, despite my insides telling me no, I slowly got up and approached the doorway.  
  
With her legs crossed, CJ was sitting upright on the sofa, drumming her fingers on her thighs. Staring straight ahead with a thoughtful expression on her face, I could no longer tell if she were angry or just trying to decide what to do.  
  
I was about to say something when CJ realized I was standing there. "Do you think if I left right now, anyone would notice?"  
  
I stepped into the office. "I would notice…" I said with a hint of sarcasm, trying to remember the last time any of the senior staff had left before 9 pm.  
  
CJ nodded, "Right, but you'd be coming with me. What's on my schedule?"  
  
"Briefing at six," I said, realizing that she was clear after that. However, knowing CJ—as I do—I could expect her to stay for three more hours just catching up on paperwork and prepping for the next day.  
  
"Okay, I've got a plan. We're leaving after the briefing. I can't take this day any longer than that," she moaned, cradling her head in her hands. I smiled sympathetically, insanely happy that she wanted me to come along.  
  
"That's a great plan CJ…" I put in sarcastically. "We should just hang out in here in case something comes up…" I reasoned aloud, mentally smacking myself for trying to changer her mind; still, someone might need CJ after 6.  
  
CJ glared up at me good-naturedly. "Carol, I absolutely cannot have a real conversation with you in this office. We gotta go somewhere else, if you know what I'm saying?"  
  
I nodded, grinning heavily. "Gotcha. I'll get you some Tylenol…"  
  
She chuckled at my perception, and as I looked back on my way out, I saw CJ lean her head back on the sofa, a contented smile stretching across her expression.  
  
***  
  
The wind was crazy in the Lexus, blowing my long brown hair everywhere, and for a minute I considered cutting it. Short hair was beautiful, as CJ so nicely demonstrated. But it had taken me years to get this hair, and I'd probably regret chopping it down. As I leaned back against the smooth leather, I sighed with relaxation. And then my eyes fell upon the speedometer.  
  
"CJ, you're going like, twenty over the limit."  
  
She briefly glanced over at me and grinned. "Well you should be watching for cops then."  
  
I sat up and pretended to be watching for squad cars in the darkened corners off of the highway. I took my eyes away from the road when I felt CJ hit the brake ever so slightly.  
  
"There, now I'm only ten over the limit…. Jesus, how did the plan get so fucked up?" CJ laughed, hitting a button on the CD player that displayed the clock. "Christ! It's almost twelve-thirty in the morning! We're like, six hours off schedule."  
  
I snorted, knowing she'd hated being locked up with the Vice President and Leo all night. "It was Josh's fault. And the trucks."  
  
"Especially the trucks," CJ chuckled. As we slowed at a red light, CJ lowered the volume of the radio and looked over at me, her expression soft. "I really appreciate you waiting for me."  
  
I cocked my head, hoping she understood the layers of meaning in those words. "I'd wait forever, CJ…" I said, my tone emerging more flippantly than I'd intended. Still, the late hour and her nearness brought me to ringing laughter.  
  
"Funny girl, you're a real riot…This was not a good day," CJ giggled, practically flooring it as the light turned green.  
  
I couldn't get over how young CJ seemed to be inside of herself. She drove like an eighteen-year-old who'd just gotten her license, and her music would drive everyone's mother crazy. I certainly had never guessed, and it was incredibly endearing.  
  
"You're very happy for having had a bad day," I pointed out, sticking my arm out the window into the warm April breeze. "You're back to twenty over…"  
  
"Screw it, it's the middle of the night, Carol. There's like one car on the road!" CJ reasoned, changing lanes with a quick flick of her blinker.  
  
"And that would be yours... Do you know where you're going?" I asked, knowing only that she'd wanted to drive me home. I looked over at CJ, relishing in the way her hair was blowing around, thinking that she even looked young.  
  
She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm going where you tell me…. God, how can it possibly be so late? All I wanted was a little time…" CJ trailed, glancing quickly at me.  
  
I pushed the buttons that rolled up our windows, stopping the frantic wind from getting at my face. I didn't know what CJ meant, but I wanted to hear it.  
  
She sighed, collecting her words as she kept her eye on the highway. "You know, I wanted to spend some time just talking…Carol, and I can't do this thing with you unless we both understand what it is…And I hate the fact that I don't."  
  
I didn't say anything, sensing her confusion. I nodded into the dark car, and reached out for her right hand, resting on the gear shift. It was okay, I silently explained, stroking small circles over her skin, I can make you figure this out……  
  
***  
  
At two thirty in the morning she fell asleep, her head cradled between my shoulder and my chin. With our fingers still entwined, CJ's entire body was curled against mine as I fought to stay awake on the unturned covers of my bed. The moonlight was bright on the quilt, and though I knew I'd be tired in the morning, there was no way I would miss a single second of having her here like this.  
  
Free of her blazer, blouse and shoes, the camisole CJ wore left her arms smooth and bare against my own. She smelled like heaven, and every one of my breaths reminded me of how much I cared about this woman.  
  
Tonight, lying together was more amazing than sex, especially since we'd discovered new things with only words. I was quickly learning that the CJ I'd known for four years wasn't who I had supposed her to be. She wasn't quite so hard and strong, and she wasn't quite so confident and sure. She was starting to seem more human and less the idol I had made her.  
  
CJ told me that she hadn't been with a woman in fifteen years and she didn't like to be labeled. She said she's always just done what's felt right; I feel right, she confided, or she wouldn't have come to this choice. The warm satisfaction of hearing the words from CJ's lips had calmed every tumultuous emotion that had ever passed through me; I suddenly felt as if I'd gained ten years; I no longer felt so utterly inadequate, so immature.  
  
"CJ," I whispered, feeling her body shift in my arms. She was warm and so soft—I never imagined she could be so feminine—and I didn't want to let her go.  
  
"Mmm," CJ murmured, very much half-asleep, "There might be a problem…"  
  
Her voice, though soft with sleep, still held a teasing tone. Grinning drowsily, I lowered my lips to her ear. "What?" I slid my arms tightly around CJ's waist and hoped she would want to come back to this tomorrow.  
  
"I like this way too much," she sighed, her lips brushing my collarbone. "Way too much, Carol…" I could feel her smile against my skin, and as I began to affectionately stroke CJ's hair, I had to agree. * 


	8. Guilty Pleasure

Proximity: Guilty Pleasure  
  
***  
  
Friday Night  
  
***  
  
"So," Leah leaned in with a mischievous grin, her blonde hair bright even in the dim light of the bar, "she's meeting you here at ten?"  
  
I grinned with shyness unusual for me and looked down at my black skirt. "I'm starting to think it was a mistake."  
  
"Why?" Leah asked incredulously, gesturing through smoky air at the circle of our chatty friends, "We're a lot of fun!"  
  
"I know," I sighed, grinning at the four other women gathered around. "You're right, but CJ isn't exactly…I don't know. I think I'm afraid she'll realize how young I am."  
  
"How old is she again?" Leah asked, scrunching up her eyebrows as she tried to recall.  
  
"She's fourteen years older than I am," I mumbled, the number suddenly sounding huge and before I could brace myself for my friends' criticisms, Chelsea entered the conversation.  
  
"Carol, I don't think I've ever seen you date someone your age," she noted, raising her glass of beer in kind gesture.  
  
"You're into older women; no one's judging you," Robin said casually flicking her cigarette and training her dark eyes on me. Robin was a lot like me and had once dated her older, sophisticated boss. Robin and I had always found plenty to talk about.  
  
"Well when she gets here, please just act normal, would ya?" I pleaded with a grateful smile, rolling my eyes good-naturedly.  
  
"Per your request," Keri grinned, adjusting the straps of her tank top. "I can't wait to meet this chick."  
  
"Seriously. You've been in love with her for like twenty years," Gayle exaggerated, finally piping up. She shrugged her shoulders, smiling slowly. "I really can't believe she turned out to be a lesbian."  
  
"Okay, so she dates men, too," I clarified with a bit of humor, leaning my elbows on my knees. My friends chuckled, and Chelsea nodded in approval; she was the only one of my friends who occasionally dated a man.  
  
"That's fine, as long as she doesn't date one while also dating you," Keri laughed, evoking a few titters. I looked at my watch; it was five of ten. My heart quickly fluttered and I stood up.  
  
"I'm going to the bathroom. Be back in a second…" Standing up from the low sofa, I waded through the noisy crowd of people towards the restroom.  
  
Monday had been the last time I'd seen CJ outside of work, and I'd been itching all week to make plans. That morning, to my happiness, CJ announced that she wanted to do what I liked to do on a Friday night. It was slightly embarrassing and very nerve wracking to explain that the six of us simply hit a club and hung there all night. But CJ had seemed enthusiastic and said she'd meet me wherever at ten o'clock.  
  
There were a few women in the bathroom when I entered; after they left I stepped out of the stall and adjusted my caramel colored top. The cut was too low, but I'd always used its long sleeves to justify wearing it. Combined with a short black skirt, I thought I looked pretty sexy. As I toyed with my dark hair and inspected my eye makeup, I absently wondered if CJ would hate this club.  
  
I'd given CJ the Georgetown address and plenty of time to decide she didn't want to be seen in a lesbian bar. She'd looked right at me and nodded firmly, giving me no choice but to believe that she was comfortable with it.  
  
And this was a great place to hang out—lots of interesting people and a really fun, hip atmosphere; the tables were low to the floor centered around big plush sofas and the DJ played the best mix of music. The bar made great drinks and I'd never gone home from this place unhappy. Still, as I reapplied my lipstick for the fourth time in thirty minutes, I had no real idea of what CJ's style was. Having dinner with her two weeks ago had been the one and only time we'd gone out together. On the campaign, she and I had hardly ever interacted socially, and now I was about to bring two different parts of my life together in one place. My stomach flip-flopped when I realized it was 9:59.  
  
Outside of the bathroom, I elbowed my way easily back to our collective area, Chelsea had already struck up conversation with a stranger, Robin and Gayle were sizing up the women at the bar, and Keri was joking around with Leah. I sat down in between them and positioned myself so I could see the door.  
  
"Okay, I think she'll find you. This is a small place," Keri grinned, pulling on her brown pony tail with a casual sarcasm that told me my apprehension was apparent.  
  
Turning back to a normal sitting position, I looked pointedly at Leah. "This is gonna be awful."  
  
Leah but her hand on my shoulders and shook me quickly. She tried to calm my mood with an exasperated, patronizing tone. "Dude, if you don't stop freaking out, it sure will be awful. She likes you—not the spastic version of you. So get a grip and become normal again."  
  
"A-plus for your friend," CJ's voice suddenly streamed into my ear, low and thick as she leaned over the back of the couch. I practically jumped as embarrassed nervous laughter let loose. "But then again, I don't think I've ever seen the spastic version of you, Carol…" CJ grinned at Leah as she walked around the sofa.  
  
She was dressed casually in a sleeveless blue sweater and tight dark jeans; with her hair flipped outward, makeup slightly darker than usual and perfume youthfully heavy, I was proud she was there to see me. Keri, practically speechless, moved over on the sofa to make room for CJ, and I noticed the rest of my friends slowly inch towards us.  
  
"Well, the spastic version of Carol is in overdrive right now, so watch out," Leah joked, smiling at CJ. "I'm Leah," she introduced herself, extending her hand.  
  
"CJ…" they shook hands casually and CJ turned towards Keri while I sat stunned by her sneak approach. "I'm sorry if I'm taking your seat…"  
  
"No, no…" Keri laughed with a wave of her hand. "I'll move over any day for Carol's girlfriend."  
  
CJ looked over at me, her face high with amusement at Keri's classification. She grinned, ignoring the comment. "Do you know what I had to do to get of there tonight?"  
  
I finally regained my powers of speech, acutely aware of the eyes on us. "I'm sure you did okay…" I managed, smiling knowingly.  
  
"Let's just say I owe Donna one… So introduce me to the rest of your friends," CJ suggested with a smile, tapping my bare knee with her knuckle. She was oblivious that they'd been watching her keenly since she'd walked in, or maybe she was just good at pretending. As I named out each of my friends, CJ shook a hand and kidded around like she'd known them for ages.  
  
Leah pulled a cigarette out of her pack, and before she could find her lighter, CJ was there with her own. I realized, with good reason, that CJ would be the center of attention all night long and as she held lively court with captive ears, I discretely slipped my hand into hers.  
  
***  
  
We'd had a great laugh when some woman at the bar sent a vodka and cranberry to CJ; she'd politely decided that she didn't want it, and Leah and I had volunteered to get a new round for everyone.  
  
With CJ answering the girls' questions at a fairly good clip—nothing challenging there—we headed for the bar and our first chance to talk since CJ had come in. The minute we were out of earshot, Leah exploded excitedly, her hair bouncing with her stride.  
  
"Holy hell, Carol! I thought maybe you'd built her up, but you so didn't do her justice. She's great! Seriously, CJ has got to be the coolest person ever," Leah gushed, bringing a grin to my face. "I'm very happy for you," she added genuinely, understanding more than anyone what CJ meant to me.  
  
"I was so afraid she'd hate hanging out with us twenty-five year olds…" I breathed out, tapping my hands on the bar as squeezed between people. "But it appears to be working out."  
  
"And she's hot," Leah said simply, raising her eyebrows. "Four Buds on tap, a screwdriver and…did CJ want something?" Leah looked at me, holding the bar tender's attention for another moment.  
  
"I'll get her a glass of wine," I decided, noting with dissatisfaction that all CJ had had to drink in 90 minutes was half a beer. It wasn't that I wanted her drunk, but I did want her to be relaxed later on. I'd been waiting forever to get close to CJ, and tonight I hoped she wouldn't mind an advance. Still, I recalled as I juggled the wineglass and two beers, I had promised her last Friday that we'd go slowly.  
  
***  
  
CJ's beautiful apartment was at the corner of 19th and H streets, just a block from Pennsylvania Avenue and a quaint little park. Yet she wanted to go back to my apartment. We had to drive 395 over the river to get to my tiny place in smoggy Arlington Heights; every night the airplanes from National took off and landed right in my ear. But who was I to disagree? I wanted CJ whenever, wherever—a fact I hoped was not lost on her as I rested my hand on her knee.  
  
CJ wasn't really paying attention to me except for an occasional glance and grin; with Leah and Keri in the back seat of the Lexus hysterically drunk, driving was to CJ just an annoying distraction from the humor unfolding behind her.  
  
Leah lived in the apartment across the hall from mine—it was great to have a close friend so nearby. Tonight before she pushed a stumbling, laughing Keri through her door, Leah turned around and winked at me. I blushed, hoping CJ hadn't noticed as I unlocked my door.  
  
Once inside, I was very glad I'd taken the time to straighten the place up; CJ was mostly unaffected by whatever she'd had to drink, and as she seated herself on the couch, she looked around my tastefully decorated apartment.  
  
"Carol. This place is way too mature for a kid you're age."  
  
I wasn't nearly so affected by my liquor as I wanted to be either, and I practically took offense at her comment. Throwing myself down on the sofa, I snorted. "And know I appreciate being referred to as a kid."  
  
CJ tore her eyes off of my collection of miniature tea sets and turned towards me. "And know I was only joking," CJ shot back with a grin. "Your age does not worry, bother or otherwise interfere with my feelings for you."  
  
I rested my arm on the back of the sofa, my fingers reaching for a lock of CJ's dirty blonde hair. "You're using really big words for having been at a club all night."  
  
CJ smiled and caught me off guard with her hand on my cheek. She gave me a short, soft kiss on the lips, and pulled back. "You know I can't go to that club with you again. Or any other place like it."  
  
My eyelids had drooped at the sweet feel of her mouth, and now I opened them fully. "What?"  
  
Sighing, CJ sensed my dizzy confusion. "Carol, I took a big risk by going to a lesbian bar. I went because I wanted you to know that I care about you. But I can't do it again, if just for the Administration's sake."  
  
I leaned my head forward, my chin finding her shoulder. "Okay," I mumbled, seeing the hazy logic. I knew that I would be touched by CJ's gesture later, when I was less distracted by her perfume. "Can we go to non- lesbian bars?"  
  
Chuckling at my elementary tone, CJ's arms encircled my waist, squeezing me closer. "Sure," she smiled against my ear, "we can do whatever you want."  
  
"How about this?" I murmured, bringing my hands to CJ's shoulders. I gently pushed her onto her back, anxious to continue the kiss she'd initiated a minute before.  
  
***  
  
Her mouth, her hands, her fingers and her smooth skin—CJ surrounded my body, inside and out. Grappling with the intensity of having her everywhere at once, I was vaguely aware that our moans were louder than even the airplanes landing outside.  
  
Somehow CJ had maneuvered us from the sofa into my bedroom, shedding clothing as rough kisses built our arousal. I had to remind myself to breath at the sight of her beautiful, tanned naked body stretched out on my bed; CJ saw the affect it had on me, and with a crook of her finger, I was next to her in a flash.  
  
Now as I panted with the exertions of an orgasm, CJ was stroking my stomach and quietly moving her lips up my neck. Her ministrations were no longer sexual, simply affectionate, and the reality of what we had just done sent warmth over my entire body.  
  
"CJ…" I breathed out, her name floating around in my brain uncontrollably.  
  
"You okay?" she asked, her hair soft against my chest as she settled her head down.  
  
"I really am," I decided with a smile. I ran my hands up CJ's smooth bare back reveling in how gorgeous she was. "What's your one guilty pleasure?" I asked aloud, the question randomly popping into my head and out of my mouth.  
  
CJ's fingers continued to dance around my belly button as she thought. "Hmm…I think that would have to be Cher. I like Cher," she said with a wry grin, looking up at me.  
  
I laughed aloud before sending my lips to her hair. "That's definitely a guilty pleasure," I smiled.  
  
"So what's yours?" CJ asked, her tone mock defensive.  
  
I sat up, pulling CJ with me as I leaned against the pillows in my bed. "You used to be my guilty pleasure. Just watching you, thinking about you, imagining what you'd feel like…" I admitted, nervous as CJ moved back slightly to see my face.  
  
"And now?" she asked, tilting her chin upwards.  
  
I grinned largely, surely revealing all of my teeth. "Now you're just a pleasure."  
  
"No guilt?" CJ teased, running her fingers through my now-tangled long hair as she settled her body against mine.  
  
"No guilt," I whispered, feeling only that pleasure as I once again lowered my mouth to CJ. * 


End file.
